The Mighty Ducks Will Soar to Success With the Flying V
Do you remember the Mighty Ducks? Unfortunately for hockey fans, the NHL has long forgotten the glory days of this once proud franchise. Long gone are the Finnish Flash days of Teemu Selänne flying down the ice while Paul Kariya sets the table.
Instead of watching a great celly by Selänne or Kariya, the Anaheim Ducks are currently putting the finishing touches on another pathetic year as the 2023-2024 NHL season comes to a close. Their duck bills didn’t even come close to sniffing the playoffs, yet again.
At the time of publishing this article, the Ducks sit in seventh place of the Pacific Division with 54 measly points on the season. Their record is an even bigger quack job with 25 wins, 48 losses, and four overtime losses. Coaches around hockey are already cracking wise while taking low blows at the expense of the Ducks:
“Anybody could beat these pansies!”
– Coach Jack Reilly, Hawks
Yet, there seems to be no end in sight for this ragtag group of amateurs. Their downward spiral to the bottom of the NHL Western Conference standings continues at a record pace. Even former Mighty Ducks are chiming in on the dookie being dropped by Anaheim this season:
“He squats, he scores!”
– Lester Averman, Original Mighty Duck
One thing is for sure, something needs to change. Immediately. Ever since ownership made the foolish decision to rebrand the Mighty Ducks of Anaheim into the Anaheim Ducks in 2005, it’s been open season on the franchise. Make no mistake about it, Anaheim has become the Daffy Duck of the NHL, the butt of nearly every joke in the league. There is nothing mighty about that.
Although the quackers won the Stanley Cup in their first season as the newly rebranded Ducks back in 2006-2007, they really were just riding the coattails of a once mighty reputation. Things have gone completely downhill since then as opponents treat the hockey club from Anaheim like target practice for Duck Hunt.
In fact, the Ducks have not even qualified for the NHL Stanley Cup Playoff since the 2017 to 2018 season. This is now the sixth season in a row where the Anaheim Ducks have failed to ruffle feathers in the NHL postseason. These cake-eaters have become so soft, they’re donating their feathers for down pillows instead of using them to fly.
That’s why the Anaheim Ducks are prepared to shake things up this offseason. Rumor has it they are talking to legendary head coach Gordon Bombay about leading the Ducks from the bench next season. Coach Bombay’s sales pitch was straight to the point:
“You want to lose, fine. You’re the ones who look like idiots out there.”
– Coach Bombay
When the Ducks asked Coach Bombay for his plan to turn things around, he remained a straight shooter, as always. Make no mistake about it, Gordon Bombay sounds like someone who is looking to get his own feathers fluffed:
“I’ll decide who sucks around here.”
– Coach Bombay
Bombay’s first order of business is to get rid of any sign of the Anaheim Ducks rebranding efforts prior to the 2006 to 2007 season. These ugly sweaters look like a Halloween costume! They’re fuggers!
Out with the fugly Jack-o’-lantern sweaters and in with the iconic old school Mighty Ducks of Anaheim jerseys that remain the very best uniforms in the history of the NHL. The Mighty Ducks of Anaheim will once again become America’s favorite hockey team while reaching new heights in popularity worldwide.
Next on the agenda will be teaching these losers how to flop. Hey, if the Anaheim Ducks can’t beat anybody else in the NHL on their own terms, they might as well learn how to take the fall to get the call. The more these wimpy Ducks can get on the power play, the better their chances will be to flap out a win. Flopping is hockey 101 in Coach Bombay’s playbook.
“Take the fall, act hurt, get indignant!”
– Coach Bombay
![[ Together ] Take the fall ! Act hurt ! Get indignant !](https://i0.wp.com/y.yarn.co/d294a046-54bf-4ee9-8ef3-66ff4b20a7bc_text.gif?resize=854%2C480&ssl=1)
Despite what Coach Jack Reilly says, Gordon Bombay is not a has-been or a never-was, he just suffered a career ending injury in the minors on a dirty check against the boards. Bombay didn’t just act hurt, his career was over right as he was one step away from the NHL at the ancient age of 29. Even though Bombay was once a cake-eating Hawk, his path to hockey immortality wasn’t exactly a Disney fairytale.
From one heartbreak to another, Bombay always found a way to disappoint. For starters, Bombay infamously missed the game winning shot of the 1973 Minnesota State Pee-Wee Hockey Championship by a mere quarter of an inch.
Despite almost being a never-was by a quarter of an inch, Bombay still made it to the minors only to suffer a career ending knee injury. Before that happened, Bombay enjoyed a brief stint as a douchebag lawyer. After winning a big case, Bombay celebrated by committing a D.U.I. in his Corvette. He was suspended indefinitely from his law firm while awaiting sentencing.
“Breath, blood, or urine?”
– Arresting Officer of Gordon Bombay
“No thanks, I’m full.”
– Gordon Bombay, Esquire
![No, thanks, I'm full. [ Laughs ]](https://i0.wp.com/y.yarn.co/4f59571d-d530-4d7f-9095-c6636a1bfe55_text.gif?resize=854%2C480&ssl=1)
His ensuing behavior eventually knocked him out of the courtroom for good. That’s when Bombay was sentenced to coach the Minneapolis District 5 Pee Wee Hockey League team, a group of no talent ass clowns.
Yet, somehow, Coach Bombay turned a bunch of misfits into champions. He’s proven he can do it, time and time again. This coach isn’t afraid to teach numbnut wingbats that Ducks fly together. Ducks always fly together.
Although he uses unconventional coaching methods, such as teaching hockey players to have soft hands while receiving a pass on the ice using eggs and iPhones, Coach Bombay gets results.
“Cradle it.”
– Coach Bombay
His unorthodox coaching methods led to Bombay’s most brilliant achievement to date, inventing the Flying V formation. The Flying V is the secret recipe to any championship team and everyone in hockey knows it. It can hypnotize any defense on the fly.
That’s why Coach Gordon Bombay’s third order of business is bringing his wildly successful flying V formation to the NHL. There is only one way to make these Ducks mighty again and it begins with the flawless execution of the flying V. Here’s why:
How Installing the Flying V Can Bring the Mighty Ducks Back to Hockey
1. Nostalgic Magic
Believe it or not, there was a time when nobody knew what hockey was outside of a few northern states, Canada, and the rest of the snow-covered northern hemisphere. All of that changed forever in 1992 when Gordon Bombay took the District 5 Mighty Ducks all the way to the Minnesota State Pee Wee Hockey Championship.
Coach Bombay introduced the Flying V formation to the world on his way to defeating the most hated team in hockey, the Hawks, in the championship game. Bombay’s game-changing success proved to be so inspirational that Disney decided to make a blockbuster movie out of it.
This not only introduced the rest of the world to hockey, it gained millions of new fans for the sport worldwide. Unfortunately, many of those fans have become disgruntled as they look for their favorite team, the Mighty Ducks, in the NHL. Of course, they are always left disappointed by the contemporary Anaheim Ducks and their ugly ass modern sweaters.
As for the Flying V, this synchronized display of razzle-dazzle skating, puck handling, passing, and unpredictable shooting leaves fans and opponents in awe to this day. Long live the Flying V!
2. The Science of the Soar
According to the always accurate eye test, the implementation of the Flying V formation will catapult the Anaheim Ducks back to their ‘Mighty’ days of glory for the following reasons:
- Fear and Intimidation Factor – Imagine facing a wall of flying ducks, gliding effortlessly down the ice in perfect formation right at you. For a hockey defender, it’s like trying to navigate oncoming rush-hour traffic on a unicycle. This is why the Flying V strikes so much fear in defenders, it makes them shit their hockey pants.
- Sleight of Hand Unpredictability – Who needs a lame-ass traditional offensive strategy when you could have the Flying V formation at your disposal? With players weaving the puck to each other within the formation, the Mighty Ducks will keep their opponents guessing at all times. This will create more scoring opportunities that are as unpredictable as confetti queefs.
- Stylish Entertainment Value – Let’s face it, hockey is more about dollars and entertainment than it is about fair competition. Why else do you think modern expansion franchises such as the Vegas Golden Knights had so much success in their infancy? Imagine if you could create the Harlem Globetrotters on ice! The Flying V is exactly like that. A true visual masterpiece that will captivate fans, generate buzz, and most importantly, sell tickets!
3. Proven Test Flight Results
In a top-secret scrimmage against a local beer league team (unconfirmed reports suggest Coach Bombay was in attendance), the Anaheim Ducks showcased their newly adopted formation with spectacular results. Mighty Ducks players reported feeling “tits” and are “ready to send it like a mallard in heat.” Meanwhile, opposing players were left bewildered and wondering if they had accidentally sharted.
So, chug your beers, sharpen your blades of steel, and get ready for a spectacle that promises to be as entertaining as it is groundbreaking. Thanks to Coach Bombay and the Flying V, the Mighty Ducks are finally back. They’re ready to spread their wings, fly in formation, and reclaim their status as the Mighty Ducks of the NHL as well as the rest of the hockey world!
There’s only one catch, the Flying V must be executed to perfection in order to be successful. This formation’s only weakness is leaving the goalie exposed, alone, on an island. There is only one coach in the world who can successfully teach a hockey team how to execute the Flying V and that’s Gordon Bombay.
That’s why the Ducks need to hire him. When Bombay successfully installs the Flying V into the Anaheim Ducks playbook, the sky’s the limit. Just wait until you hear this quacking from the Ducks bench, it’s going to give you goosebumps:
“Show me the Flying V! Flying V!”
– Coach Bombay
Besides, Coach Bombay taught Fulton Reed how to skate, he should have no trouble mending the broken wings of this grounded flock. Although, he definitely has his work cut out for himself with this project, it would be stupid to doubt his ability to get it done.
As to whether or not the Anaheim Ducks actually hire Gordon Bombay to coach next season remains to be seen. Fans everywhere are hoping they do. When reached for comment by A Fly On The Ball, Gordon Bombay simply said:
“Just get the hell out of here!”
– Coach Bombay
Classic Coach Bombay! Ducks fans, just wait until he teaches them the knuckle-puck, you might even get a win or two. Remember those? Go get ‘em, Coach, it’s time to bring another championship to the Mighty Ducks! Who knows? Maybe he can even convince Selänne and Kariya to come out of retirement and make another go of it. Trevor Zegras would appreciate the help.
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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.
