Although Sin City is lost in the sauce after celebrating the Vegas Golden Knights‘ Game 1 victory, other teams around the league have seen enough. A friend of a friend has caught wind of some serious chatter regarding the potential demise of the NHL due to the success of its two most recent expansion draft franchises; the Vegas Golden Knights and the Seattle Kraken.
The 2022 to 2023 NHL season marked the second year of existence for the Seattle Kraken. In only their second season, the Kraken managed to finish in fourth place of the Pacific Division in the Western Conference of the NHL.
That was good enough to qualify for the playoffs. Seattle managed to upset the first overall seed in the Western Conference, the Colorado Avalanche, in the first round of the Stanley Cup Playoffs.
To this day, Avalanche fans remain extremely upset about it. According to fresh piles in the Denver area, they think the league helped the Kraken advance as a marketing stunt for Seattle. To say Denver fans are fed up with Seattle would be an understatement. First Russell Wilson, now this?
In round two of the playoffs, Seattle gave the Dallas Stars a serious run for their money by pushing the series to seven games. Ultimately, the Kraken fell to the Stars for a second-round exit.
The NHL did everything it could to help Seattle win, but a frustrated Stars fan provided the momentum shift the entire series needed to swing the pendulum back in Dallas’ favor. There is no doubt the league remains bitter about this, they wanted a Kraken versus Golden Knights showdown to promote their two newest franchises to an entire country that only cares about football and sometimes basketball.
Meanwhile, the Vegas Golden Knights are no strangers to success in the NHL. The Golden Knights of Corruption actually qualified for the Stanley Cup Finals at the end of their inaugural season in 2017 to 2018.
In fact, the Knights won 13 playoff games in 2018 on their way to the Stanley Cup Finals. To this day, that remains an NHL record for a team in their inaugural postseason run. Even though they eventually lost, several team officials, fans, and players remain sour about Vegas’ unlikely success.
On top of that, the Golden Knights qualified for the playoffs in the first four seasons of their existence. Is somebody cooking the books? Is it any coincidence the Golden Knights play in the betting mecca of the Western Hemisphere? Do the Golden Knights Templars have the Ark of the Covenant?
Perhaps some questions are better left unanswered. Rumor has it, a lot of problems wind up buried in the Las Vegas desert. You might not want to poke the bear on this one lest ye seek the same misfortune. That’s not enough to scare some fans away from speaking out against this injustice though.
Florida Man, seen shirtless with a beer helmet hugging his mullet and two more adult beverages in each hand, chimed in on the situation, “Listen, y’all, we ain’t beat the Boston Blue Balls or whatever the fuck their name is, just to be taken out by douchebags dressed in knight’s armor that couldn’t even stop a fuckin’ gator! See, this is why I watch football, y’all. Go Tim fuckin’ Tebow!”
For the record, Florida Man is referring to the Boston Bruins. Speaking of the Bruins, fans are livid about the team’s disappointing early exit from the playoffs.
The Boston Bruins finished the season with an NHL-best and current regular season record of 135 points. In fact, the Bruins set another NHL record with 65 wins. That always comes with high expectations, but they ultimately lost to the Florida Panthers in the NHL Eastern Conference Finals.
There’s no doubt many Bruins fans are still feeling blindsided and on a bender while they try to figure out what channel the Bruins game is on each night. They make it through two bottles of Jameson and pass out with the remote in their hands while surfing for the game every single night.
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Potential NHL Scandal Could Destroy League
A very small handful of Boston fans decided to sober up for a day and are beginning to see what’s really going on. They suspect there was a league-wide agenda to keep the Bruins out of the Finals so the Vegas Golden Knights could defy all odds and win the Stanley Cup for the first time ever.
Harvey Ballbanger has some friends in the area who report a planned ‘Boston Flee Party’ demonstration as they strategize about how the Bruins can exit the NHL due to the ineptitude of the league. They are threatening to secede unless the league awards the Stanley Cup to the Bruins for the 2022-23 campaign.
Meanwhile, Minnesota Wild head coach Dean Evason and GM Bill Guerin are wiping the sweat off their brow over a bottle of potato vodka and some tater tot hotdish tonight. They really dodged a bullet with yet another cop-out to avoid taking responsibility for the team’s lackluster performance this season.
Good for them. It’s becoming painfully obvious that the chips are stacked against their favor, with the league handing keys to the Stanley Cup Finals to Las Vegas as much as possible. Coupled with the classic “hogtied by the Ryan Suter and Zach Parise contracts” excuse, it looks like Evason and Guerin avoid the chopping block yet again.
Seriously, how difficult is it to get some depth at center and teach your players how to show up when it actually fucking matters? Chances are the Wild will chicken out when it comes to seceding because their mediocrity would be exposed without any more excuses.
Could the Knights be ready to start laying golden eggs? Will they win their first Stanley Cup championship in 2023? It sounds like there could be serious consequences if they do. The question the Vegas Golden Knights should be asking themselves tonight is obvious: “Is cheating worth it if the end result destroys the NHL forever?”
Seriously, have some fucking integrity and take a fall to save hockey. Every skater in that locker room should be asking themselves if they want to seize the opportunity to share the same historic legacy as the 2017 Houston Astros or the 1919 Chicago White Sox in the modern era.
Seriously, Vegas Golden Knights, do the right thing here and throw the next four games. You could even Pete Rose your way to a small fortune if you play your cards right here. Have some fuckin’ ‘tegridy.
And as for you, Gary Bettman, what will you do to restore law and order to the NHL after this? Or, are you in on the obvious agenda to get Vegas the Stanley Cup? Every time a fly tries to get close to the truth, their wings are tied, or they end up on sticky paper hidden in a folder labeled “Place Your Betts.”
It’s anybody’s guess how this conspiracy plays out from here. Stay tuned to the 2023 NHL Stanley Cup Finals to see how this drama unfolds.
Do you actually believe this shit? What’s wrong with you? This article is 100% satire, and nothing you have fucking read on this page should be taken seriously.
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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.
