Did you know the Detroit Lions are one of just two NFL franchises existing since 1946 to have never made a Super Bowl appearance? It’s pathetic but true. If you’re wondering, the Cleveland Browns are the other team mired in sadness.
But being a Lions fan means you’re at rock bottom. Unlike the Browns, the Lions have existed since 1930, meaning they’ve been failing to win Super Bowls for almost 20 more years. In other words, it doesn’t get any worse than following the Lions if you’re a football fan.
This isn’t some secret. It’s right out there in the open. The Lions are the worst franchise in NFL history, and it’s not even close. But this year is ‘different’. Detroit has a head coach with a Lion-sized chip on his shoulder and a talented roster ready to roar. It’s led to enormous expectations in The Mitten.
Detroit is looking to prove they not only deserve a chance to avoid relegation to Canada for the 95th year in a row but also that the Lions are ready to compete for the NFC North division crown. If all goes well, they could be taking their first-ever trip to the Super Bowl, but I’m here to tell you not to get your hopes up this year if you’ve somehow stumbled into being a Lions fan. Here are just three reasons why the Lions will never win a Super Bowl.
Fords Just Aren’t Reliable
This issue about being unable to rely on the Lions isn’t sudden. Organizational dysfunction starts at the very top. Yeah, I’m looking at you, Sheila Ford Hamp.
Your advanced levels of experience walking this earth don’t make you exempt from being roasted. This is about Fords and their everlasting inability to be dependable. Again, it’s no secret that Ford vehicles are the “most unreliable manufacturer in the United States.”
So why would we trust the people who can’t produce a quality car to operate a football franchise, let alone a semi-professional one? What is going on here?
The bottom line is that Fords aren’t reliable, and we need no further evidence than to look at the Lions franchise plus the long history of their troubled motor vehicles that just can’t stay on the road anymore. Fix Or Repair Daily, enough said.
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No One Wants To Play for Lions Once They’re Good
There are two ways to bust in the NFL. For far too long, the Lions have chosen the Joey Harrington route instead of doing it the respectful way, like getting a gold bust in Canton.
But perhaps the bigger problem is that even when they do strike gold, elite players just don’t want to play for the Lions once they realize how good they are. It’s been proven repeatedly, from Barry Sanders to Calvin Johnson and even Matthew Stafford, that once you reach superstar status, you are no longer a member of the Detroit Lions. Or, at least, you don’t have to be.
In Detroit, once a player becomes great enough for the Hall of Fame, that’s it. There’s nothing else to play for in their minds. Little do they know, there’s also a Super Bowl ring to pursue with another team too. Which is what Stafford opted for, knowing a trip to Canton isn’t in the cards.
Even if hometown hero Michigan native Aidan Hutchinson becomes an all-time great, he’ll either retire at the peak of his career or demand a trade to finally play for a winner. It’s the One Pride way, but first, you must earn it.
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Restore The Roar – But What Roar?
The Lions have been trying to “Restore the Roar.” Now the task is up to Campbell, otherwise known as ‘The Dude,’ but it doesn’t matter who’s assigned the task. It’s still impossible. How can you restore something that never even existed in the first place? This has me mystified.
Face it, the Lions have never been good, so what are they looking to return to? The days before the forward pass? Dan Campbell would probably love the smashmouth approach, but that’s just not how football is played with the big boys.
The only roar being restored in Detroit is the panic of locals getting ready to prepare for another season with paper bags covering the shame and embarrassment of being a Lions fan. Those screams can be heard loud and clear.
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.
The Detroit Lions will NEVER win ANYTHING so long as the idiot Ford owners insist on leaving the WCF monogram on their jerseys for life. That monogram represents the worst, most tone deaf owner in NFL history, William Clay Ford, who ran the Lions like they ran their car industry. Awful! It has no business being on their jerseys as that is the mark of the ultimate loser!
Are you fucking listening, Martha and Sheila?
YES!! Fucking nailed it. Victor the Crab wins Comment of the Year at A Fly On The Ball!