Some ships are made of metal. Some ships are made of wood. But the best ships–championships– don’t belong to Vikings. Imagine if they could?
On second thought, no. Don’t do that.
There’s no point in wasting an ounce of energy dreaming about living in some fantasy world. Nothing has changed since the day you came into this world as a soggy mess no one wanted anything to do with. The Minnesota Vikings didn’t have any Super Bowl wins then, and the same will remain true when you leave this earth, when no one will want anything to do with you again, as your team remains a complete loser. That’s just life for a Vikings fan.
Yet, believe it or not, there are still some sick fucks out there (their term is a “glutton for punishment” oofta) who hold out hope that the Vikings will not only win a Super Bowl but possibly even later this season. We’re not joking. It’s a real condition several suffer from. Perhaps you’ve heard of Skoliosis?
Unlike cowbell, there really is no prescription. Not that you need to fuck yourself up any further. You’re already a Vikings fan, for god’s sake. You betcha, it doesn’t get any worse than that donchaknow.
Anyway, here are three reasons why the Minnesota Vikings will never win a Super Bowl.
Minnesota Vikings QB Woes Sink Another Voyage
Let me put it this way: the Chicago Bears have drafted more Hall of Fame QBs than the Vikings have. That’s pathetic. Sure, they’ve signed legends like Warren Moon, Brett Favre, and Randall Cunningham (HoF snub), but it’s not like they can identify the talent themselves. Not like Chicago can.
This is a ground-and-pound franchise that loves to air it out when they have star talent, but there’s never been any consistency. Alternatively, the Vikings have never selected a QB No. 1 overall. That doesn’t mean elite players can’t be found deeper in the first round (Justin Jefferson) or even in later rounds (Tom Freakin’ Brady). It’s just that the Vikings aren’t very good at drafting quarterbacks. The 27 QBs they’ve taken have proven that.
While the Vikings lucked out with Kirk Cousins providing near-elite production, franchise quarterbacks rarely hit the open market via trade or free agency. That won’t change any time soon.
So, what’s the solution?
The Vikings need to commit to turning this sinking ship around by selecting a QB with each pick they have in the 2024 NFL Draft. As of this writing, that would add eight quarterbacks to next season’s roster. But it’s the most valuable position in the NFL, so why wouldn’t you start trying to find a winner?
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Purple People Eaters Never Made It To Valhalla
One of the biggest issues plaguing this franchise is the fact that the Purple People Eaters never made it to Valhalla. Sure, they got close, with four Super Bowl appearances, but it’s not like they won anything.
If the greatest teams in franchise history couldn’t hoist a Lombardi Trophy, what makes you think anyone else can?
Bud Grant deserves better. Instead, he, along with Alan Page, Carl Eller, and Jim Marshall, continue to float around aimlessly, with no glory in sight. Eventually, Randy Moss, Adrian Peterson, and Justin Jefferson will join them on the saddest Vikings ship of all time. It doesn’t even have a Gjallarhorn.
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NFL Doesn’t Want Vikings To Rock A Lombardi Trophy
Perhaps the biggest reason why the Vikings still don’t have a Super Bowl is because the NFL doesn’t want Minnesota to have any affiliation with the Lombardi Trophy. Wouldn’t that be weird if they did? I don’t blame the Vikings for not wanting to win something named after the Green Bay Packers. Just the thought of it causes dysentery.
You’d have to have holes in your head to think wearing a smelly block of mold is a sharp idea. Where’s the glory in that? Maybe it’s time to consider whether the Vikings are even trying to win the Lombardi Trophy.
It’s likely only a matter of time before the NFL reclassifies it as the Belichick Trophy anyway. That’s when we’ll see the Vikings order a trophy case from Amazon, once they finally have something to put in it.
Otherwise, it’s just been conspiracy after conspiracy, where either the NFL or the Vikings are masterfully avoiding the embarrassment of winning something named after its most hated rivals. Who would even want it?
As far as Vikings conspiracy theories, there are plenty. We could go back to the 1998 season when a sudden gust of wind inside the Metrodome forced Gary Anderson’s kick wide left. An All-Pro kicker, Anderson had made 122 consecutive field goals prior to missing the biggest kick of his career. Coincidence? I think not.
Or how about in the 2000 season, when Jim Fassel’s New York Giants demolished the Vikings 41-0 in the NFC Championship? This was a Giants team that ranked 15th in scoring, facing a Vikings offense that ranked fifth and hadn’t been shut out all year. It’s obvious the Giants were stealing signals, as there hasn’t been a bigger margin of victory in a Conference Championship or Super Bowl since. Coincidence? I think not.
Then we have the Bountygate in 2009. This conspiracy was so strong that even the NFL had to acknowledge it with the suspension of Sean Payton. They even made a movie about it. But did anyone care? Nope. Last time A Fly On The Ball checked, the New Orleans Taints still have a Super Bowl, meaning the NFL condoned their behavior. In actuality, the NFL was pulling strings like Geppetto behind the scenes, showing exactly how they wanted the Vikings to be eliminated again.
At this point, it’s all just a big game to them. The clowns at the league office are always asking themselves, what can we do to put Vikings fans through more misery? Last season, they challenged the hearts of many, trying to make us extinct, testing our will by forcing them to win more one-score games than any other team in NFL history. This year, it’s injuries to Kirk Cousins and Justin Jefferson. What’s next? We know it won’t be a Super Bowl.
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.
