3 Reasons Why the Buffalo Bills Will Never Win a Super Bowl

Harvey Ballbanger
Buffalo Bills

If there’s one team that deserves to win a Super Bowl more than any other NFL franchise, it’s the Buffalo Bills, hands down. As Bills Mafia knows all too well, Buffalo has a long, storied history in the NFL’s biggest game. But it’s not a tale anyone wants to re-live.

Despite existing since the first Super Bowl was played back in 1967, the Bills have never earned a Lombardi Trophy. It’s not like they haven’t tried. The Bills have given it their all, becoming just one of two teams to lose all four times they’ve reached the final stage. Aside from maybe following the Cleveland Browns, it doesn’t get any worse than being a Bills fan. 

Let’s be honest. Bills Mafia deserves a Super Bowl for their trolling alone. This is the best fanbase in football. But trophies aren’t won by fans busting their asses by launching into tables in the classiest ways. Not that the Bills would know what it takes to win anything. Even though you won’t find a team more desperate, here are three reasons why the Bills will never achieve their goal of winning a Super Bowl.

What Are the Bills? Aren’t We the Buffaloes?

The Bills’ logo is a buffalo, not a “Bill,” whatever that is. Dollar bill? Nope. Bill Belichick, maybe. Good idea, but no. Surprisingly, not that either. 

Instead, the team is named after William Cody, or “Buffalo Bill,” some rando who wasn’t even born in New York. There was nothing special about him. He was just a soldier from Iowa. In fact, he actually hunted bison. Does that make Buffalo Bill the original Tom Brady? Should we really be celebrating this guy? He sounds more like a rival if I’m being honest.

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Buffalo’s Dildo Policy Too Loose?

Let’s take the case of getting ahold of Tom Brady’s dildo as one strong example. How in the world did Bills fans sneak Brady’s dildo past security? They usually check your pockets upon entrance. Was there another hidden storage area we’re just not imagining? What we do know is the refs didn’t want anything to do with the Patriots’ dildogate. Only in Buffalo…

“I did see it. Yes I did, I did see it. I thought it was funny the ref didn’t want to pick it up. He was kicking it. Nobody wanted to reach down and grab it. That was very unusual. That was a first. Only in Buffalo. That was very unusual.”

Tom Brady on the Buffalo Bills’ dildogate

It was unusual but not uncommon, at least not in Buffalo.

As we know, thanks to Rob Gronkowski, who grew up a Bills fan and is a New York native, these toys are not Tom’s. They’re actually for the Bills.

Unfortunately, any item “deemed inappropriate” is now listed as prohibited at Highmark Stadium. It’s right there in the policy. Somehow, we don’t think that will slow down this Rumbling Turd. 

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Only Joe Namath Wins Super Bowls in New York

The New York Giants have four Super Bowl wins, and the Jets have one. Yet, Joe Namath is the only New York QB who has ever won a Super Bowl. But it took a guarantee to get the job done. New York hasn’t had a QB as cool as Joe ever since. Josh Allen’s a rad dude, but come on. He’s not as cool as Smokin’ Joe. Get the fuck outta’ here.

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Harvey Ballbanger
Harvey Ballbanger

Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.

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