Tag: Indianapolis Colts

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Entire Minnesota Vikings Team Reported Missing

Buzz McFly
KIRK COUSINS BLAMES MINNESOTA VIKINGS FANS FOR SINKING SHIP - Entire Minnesota Vikings Team Reported Missing

Viking Ship Struck By Lightning On Home Turf

Before the 2023 NFL season began, if you told any Minnesota Vikings fan that they would be 0-3 after Week 3, they would have asked you what you’re smoking. After all, the Vikings went 13-4 in 2022 while boasting an impressive 11-0 record in one-score games. They even completed the biggest comeback in NFL history against the Indianapolis Colts. 

Then, you have to ask yourself, what kind of a team falls behind 33-0 against the 2022 Colts in the first place? That should have been the first red flag but many Vikings fans were basking in denial over being the fastest bicycle with training wheels.

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Why the Indianapolis Colts Will Win the Super Bowl This Season

Harvey Ballbanger
Indianapolis Colts

The Indianapolis Colts have the third-worst Super Bowl odds this season, and it’s fuckin’ bullshit. The entire world is sleeping on the Colts, and I’m here to set the record straight.

Yeah, I realize the Colts haven’t won the Super Bowl since 2007. Fans know they haven’t won more than one playoff game since 2014. Sure, the last time we saw the Colts, they couldn’t even muster five wins. Last year, Jeff Saturday was more interested in tanking for Anthony Richardson while allowing the greatest comeback in football history, but that only sets up a more inspiring tale for Shane Steichen and Co. in 2023.

I won’t spend any time dwelling on the somber notes. Let’s cut to the chase. I’m not afraid to tell you what no one else has the cojones to say. The Indianapolis Colts are winning Super Bowl 58. Here’s why. 

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How the Jacksonville Jaguars Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How the Jacksonville Jaguars can get balls deep this year - Trevor Lawrence Goes Balls Deep with Hippies - with Text - Final

When you have the fuckin’ Jesus on your bowling team, you never lose. It’s a league game, Smokey, there are rules. This isn’t ‘Nam, but nobody knows what it’s like to smell napalm in the morning more than Trevor Lawrence. T-Law be droppin’ bombs all day. He is the fuckin’ Jesus, man.

That’s why the Jacksonville Jaguars will have no problem getting balls deep in that end zone all season long. In fact, the Jaguars are the obvious pick to win the AFC South by a longshot. Who knows? If Lawrence and the Shaguars get hot, they might even have what it takes to finally let ‘em hang.

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How the Indianapolis Colts Can Get Balls Deep in That End Zone This Year

Buzz McFly
How the Indianapolis Colts can get balls deep in that end zone this year

Jim Irsay is probably dropping his phone in the toilet while attempting to snap a whiskey dick pic right now. That’s not good, he’s going to be looking for something else to do, which means he’s about to go on a bender for the ages. 

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Manning Infant Signs Largest NIL Deal in Sports History

Harvey Ballbanger
Manning

When you know, you know. That’s the case with the latest golden arm to drop out of the womb. That’s right. There’s another Manning in town.

First, it was Archie Manning. Then came his sons Peyton and Eli Manning. Later, the grandson, Arch Manning, son of Cooper. Now another legend has been crafted.

Sure, this newest Manning may still be in the infant stage, but he’s already under the spotlight, thanks to signing the largest Name, Image, and Likeness (NIL) endorsement deal in sports history. 

The actual terms of the agreement have not yet been disclosed, but it’s clear we have another winner here, folks. The five-star recruit is already projected to be the No. 1 pick in the 2044 NFL Draft by the Cleveland Browns or Detroit Lions if they’re still allowed to continue their attempt at avoiding their first Super Bowl appearance. 

Yet, there’s always hope of this Manning phenom pulling an Eli power move, refusing to play for such a shitty franchise like the Los Angeles Chargers.

For now, all we can do is plan to save up for front-row tickets to all his football sporting events. It is not yet known which elementary school he will attend, but you can imagine the enticing offers he’s already considering from programs across the nation.

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4 Key Storylines Entering 2023 NFL Preseason

Buzz McFly
4 Key Headlines Entering 2023 NFL Preseason

Are You Ready for Some Football?

Whether you want to look forward or back in time, imagine this, it’s the buttcrack of dawn on a sunny August morning. You’re taking inventory of the skies, there’s only a few clouds in sight. 

It’s going to be a hot day and you can feel it as you’re trotting across the blacktop, in your socks, on your way to greener pasture. With your cleats in one hand and your helmet in the other, there’s only one question remaining, are you ready for some football?

The freshly cut field awaits for you to seize the moment of opportunity with every drop of sweat and every ounce of effort in your body. Ladies and gentlemen, football is in the air. From high school teams all the way to the pros, it’s the time of year when dreams are made or crushed, one play at a time.

There’s a haze in the air with only a slight breeze to cool you down. The high heat hasn’t hit yet but you’re already breaking a sweat under your pads. With gnats nibbling at your ankles, you begin to dig your cleats into the dirt to stretch before putting your fingers in the grass.

Oh yeah baby, football is finally back and it’s your time to shine. This is your story. This is your rise to glory.

Every year, countless athletes train in the late summer heat for their upcoming battles in the trenches. Every team starts with a blank slate. The same record. They all share the same goal. The allure of winning it all is worth leaving it all on the field, every single day. It all begins now.

4 Key Storylines Entering 2023 NFL Preseason

1. You Can Blame a Dog for the Minnesota Vikings’ Off-Field Drama

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5 New Features Coming to Madden NFL 24

Harvey Ballbanger
Madden NFL 24

Every fucking year, EA Sports hypes up the new version of the only football game with NFL licensing, giving access to actual players and actual teams instead of a fictional creation that no one would reasonably believe is real, like a player named Christian Kuntz or a team that has no purpose, like the Houston Texans. 

By now, you’ve probably put your brain cell to work, realizing we’re talking about Madden NFL 24, set to release on August 18, 2023. This year, the folks at A Fly On The Ball decided to pick up the slack from the EA Sports team, hyping up the Madden series for them since they’re no longer the most popular video game in the United States. 

Since EA Sports can’t seem to get their heads out of their collective asses, we put together a quick article highlighting five unique features coming to Madden NFL 24 this August. We think gamers will be thrilled to get their pricks on the sticks later this season once they finally figure out what’s in store. Let us know if you agree in the comments below. 

Flag Football Mode

As award-winning esteemed reporter Buzz McFly recently highlighted, flag football is coming to the NFL. It’s inevitable. Madden NFL 24 gets the party started early by bringing a flag football mode to their showcase. Just like the NFL, tackling has been removed from the game completely.

Imagine finally being able to play a simulation football game where there isn’t a single big hit or tackle that makes you go, “OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!” Wouldn’t that be special? The advanced minds at EA Sports think so too.

Finally, gamers won’t have to worry about injuring their hated rivals by kindly and very gently tapping the ‘X’ button to attempt to pull the flag off the ball carrier. What a thrill. 

Imagine the pure exhilaration when you’re dashing by an opponent, and they don’t get your flag. Wow. What a deal. This is the peak right here. But believe it or not, there are other features gamers may be looking forward to even more than the industry-changing flag football mode this year. 

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Be A Fan Mode

Haven’t you ever wanted to just be a fan? Imagine being able to go through a full 18-week season, sitting in the stands for all four quarters, including halftime of every single game, plus doing whatever the fuck you want during the bye. There are no fast-forwards, simulation tools, or quick-play buttons here, just like real life. Wow, they’ve really thought of everything!

Pay for your seats using real money, and see if you can work your way up to sitting on the sidelines like a champion or get used to sitting in the cheap seats like a total fucking loser. The choice is yours in Madden NFL 24.

You won’t quite have to deal with annoying vendors offering you complementary hot dogs or watered-down beverages to quench your thirst after you’ve been putting in work, soaking up the sun, or freezing your titsicles off. Instead, mealtime is your responsibility that you deal with at your own discretion, but remember; you can’t pause this game mode. 

The idea is to cheer on your favorite team, trying to jack off the decibel level in-stadium while aiming to break your own personal bests. Who can be the loudest? That’s for the fans to decide! Yell your heart out. Your neighbors will surely understand that you’re just living your best life, playing Madden NFL 24, trying to earn the ‘Loudmouth Achievement.’ 

Just make sure you’re cheering your loudest at all times. You don’t want to be the sole reason your team misses the playoffs after Week 18, just because someone was being a pansy instead of giving it their all. Gamers can even party up and cheer with their friends in group gangbang sessions that will leave zero questions unanswered amongst your peers.

Superstar Mode Tweaks – Isaiah Rodgers Simulation Experience

It’s recently come to our attention that the life we have been living in the game of Madden in Superstar Mode is nowhere near close to reality. NFL players have been going behind our backs for years, apparently with the ability to place sports bets whenever they like, wherever they please. Meanwhile, I’ve spent countless hours in Madden, trying to unlock every achievement and trophy possible, and I still can’t get the betting feature unlocked. 

But since sports gambling has become a major part of the average NFL player’s day-to-day life, we fully anticipate the feature becoming easier to find in Madden NFL 24. 

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How Kneeling Led to NFL Popularity Being at an All-Time High

Harvey Ballbanger
NFL

Despite Tom Brady’s unforeseen retirement, the NFL’s popularity is at an all-time high heading into the 2023 season. There isn’t a single indicator suggesting otherwise. How did we get here? It’s actually quite obvious. 

Rewind back to September 1, 2016, when San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the national anthem to call attention to police brutality and racial inequality issues. 

Despite the effort gaining steam from athletes in the NFL and sports worldwide, Kaepernick’s decision to kneel drew the ire of several others who were completely butthurt by the act.

Kaepernick’s movement would be intensely amplified by several other NFL athletes joining in after former President Donald Trump took offense to the gesture and criticized the movement, leading to over 130 players kneeling or sitting just on one NFL Sunday. Here were Trump’s comments that sparked the increased volume of participants: 

“Wouldn’t you love to see one of these NFL owners, when somebody disrespects our flag, to say, ‘Get that son of a bitch off the field right now, out? He’s fired. You know, some owner is going to do that. He’s gonna say, ‘That guy disrespects our flag, he’s fired.’ And that owner, they don’t know it. They don’t know it. They’re friends of mine, many of them. They don’t know it. They’ll be the most popular person, for a week. They’ll be the most popular person in the country.”

Of course, the former president failed to realize that Kaepernick was never protesting the national anthem or the American flag. He just wanted to protest police brutality and racial inequality. Yet, it didn’t matter. The faces of certain NFL fans turned red as they turned their ears off and unplugged their televisions so they could get back to their previously scheduled Klan meetings. 

Years later, we still have the receipts of those who said they would no longer watch the NFL from those who planned to boycott the league over the ‘kneeling issue.’ 

According to Sports Insider, Mississippi, Florida, and Iowa hilariously led the charge of states who intended to boycott the NFL. Well, the joke is on them, as they’re too illiterate to understand the NFL has been boycotting Mississippi and Iowa since its inauguration in 1920. And, like Donald Trump, Florida can just go fuck off. Florida sure seemed to be watching when Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers won Super Bowl LV in 2021.

As for the fans who reportedly planned to boycott the NFL? It seems they too have kindly fucked off without anyone noticing their much-appreciated absence. 

Since then, we’ve seen the NFL add another game to their schedule, now playing 17 regular season contests, proving fans crave more football than ever. 

It’s time for these losers to face it. The NFL’s popularity is at an all-time high. Coaches and players are paid more than ever before. The NFL signed their biggest television deal in league history, a contract worth more than $100 billion, and TV ratings are at an all-time high. In fact, no other TV production is able to draw more viewers than an NFL game.

The NFL’s salary cap ballooned again this past offseason to a new record-high $224.8 million per team, per season. Once again, it’s obvious that Colin Kaepernick’s decision to kneel directly led to the NFL’s popularity reaching record highs. Anyone trying to argue otherwise isn’t woke.

But the league’s newfound popularity is not what these ill-advised tweeters were expecting years ago. 

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These Tweets Didn’t Age Well

While all these other tweets are from YEARS ago, this one from Brigitte Gabriel is amazingly from this past April. That is, April of 2023 for an issue that was so seven fucking years ago.

Umm… What the fuck? Does she know Kaepernick hasn’t played in the NFL for over seven years? The 35-year-old QB isn’t a huge threat to bother you on draft day in April, you know, seven fucking years after he’s been on the field. But no, get your dry-ass panties in a bunch about this one, Brigitte. Go get your attention elsewhere because the NFL doesn’t fucking care about you either.

Well, you heard it here first. Football is officially dead, folks. No one likes Patrick Mahomes, seeing Justin Jefferson doing the Griddy, or watching Lamar Jackson put on a dazzling display with his arm and his legs on gameday. No one. Goodbye NFL… Someone no one cares about (Eric Trump) is no longer watching. Oh heavens, how will the league ever recover?

Like Andrew Luck and Mike Pence, we’d leave an Indianapolis Colts game before kickoff too. This is a team that won just four games that season and four games again in 2022, even allowing the largest comeback in NFL history. Luck would walk out for good one year later. But that’s a fresh pile for a different time. 

The point is the NFL has never been bigger than it is today, and we have no one else to thank for this than the kneeling movement, which helped draw more attention to the league than ever before. Because honestly, who gives a fuck about whether someone decides to kneel or stand? Like sitting or standing, it sounds like a personal preference that we couldn’t fucking care less about. Play fucking ball.

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NFL Insiders Preparing for Shift to Flag Football

Buzz McFly
NFL Flag Football

It’s the offseason which means the NFL has nothing better to do with their time. While twiddling their thumbs over cocktails at the annual spring meeting, team owners approved a new kickoff rule without any regard for the fans or the game itself.

The new kickoff rule essentially eliminates the return game as a weapon in special teams. Each year, the NFL takes steps to drastically reduce the chances of another Bill Belichick ever rising through the ranks by eliminating special teams altogether.

Belichick cut his teeth in the NFL as an assistant special teams coach with the Detroit Lions and Denver Broncos back in the 1970s. He continued his journey as the New York Giants‘ special teams coordinator from 1979 to 1984. Today, the entire football world pretty much agrees that Bill Belichick of the New England Patriots is the goat of NFL head coaches in the modern era, if not of all time.

However, he got his humble beginnings as an assistant special teams coordinator. If there is anybody in the entire league who understands the importance of special teams, it’s Billy Goat. Ask Belichick a question about anything related to the game that was just played and you will be stonewalled with a cold blank stare or a response so short, you’ll miss it if you blink.

However, Billy Goat once famously gave a 1,039-word response to a question about what it was like for Gino Cappelletti to kick field goals back in the 1960s. The fucking sixties, man. Billy Goat would have been a schoolboy at the time.

A friend of a friend was buzzing around one of the Super Bowl game balls on Belichick’s mantle when news broke of the kickoff rule changes. Rumor has it, his facial expression was unchanged but there was a sense of disappointment in the air to complement the stench of second-hand clam chowder fumes.

Other coaches went public with their displeasure over the rule changes. Andy Reid, the head coach of the defending Super Bowl champion Kansas City Chiefs, didn’t hold back his suspicions while addressing the press through the league-owned NFL Network.

“My thing is, where does it stop, right?” Reid said. “We start taking pieces and we’ll see how this goes. But you don’t want to take too many pieces away, or you’ll be playing flag football.”

Is there a conspiracy brewing in Roger Goodell’s favorite coffee? Big Red is suggesting there might be a plan in place to gradually shift the game toward flag football permanently. Fans are in an uproar as reported by flies hovering around fresh steamy piles all over the world. Nobody wants to see the game become more suitable for fucking pussies.

Current and former players are chiming in on the issue right now. Pat McAfee, a former punting and drunken skinny-dipping standout of the Indianapolis Colts, gave zero fucks with his on-the-record response, “It’s the most amateur, bush-league-looking bullshit I have seen in a long time when it comes to the NFL.”

This really shouldn’t come as a surprise to people who have been following the rule changes of the game over the past few decades. The NFL has essentially made grabassin’ illegal, as outgoing Washington Commanders owner Dan Snyder can attest to.

In the past, other rule changes have sparked outrage amongst the most elite NFL alumni members. Other players have come out in full support of making the game as safe as possible, even if that includes bubble wrap and manicures. 

The NFL’s own golden boy, Brett Favre, chimed in on the state of the game recently as well. It seems as though he supports the NFL’s eventual shift to flag football.

“You have to believe that every time a kid is tackled, that she or he is doing detrimental things to their brain that may be irreversible.” Favre continued, “That is really scary.”

When he’s not busy putting all the mustard on it, Favre still manages to stay in the headlines years after the glory of his playing days have long gone. He really can do no wrong, so it makes sense that he’s in on the conspiracy to swap the NFL rulebook out for a flag football manual.

From his upstanding off-field reputation combined with his Super Bowl winning year in Green Bay to his unforgettable season as a New York Jet, you’d have to dig really deep to find any dirt on one of the greatest cheeseheads to ever grace the gridiron. That’s probably why the league is using Brett Favre as the player safety spokesperson for their shift to flag football.

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