The Florida Panthers aren’t the only ones getting manhandled tonight. A Fly On The Ball caught up with the hockey puck responsible for causing the stoppage of play with 12:25 left in the first period during tonight’s Stanley Cup Finals Game 2 matchup between the Vegas Golden Knights and the Florida Panthers. At the moment, that particular puck is threatening an NHL strike if their demands are not met.

At that point in the game, the Vegas Golden Corruption led the game 1-0 after a powerplay goal scored by Jonathan Marchessault with 12:55 left in the period. The goal was set up by Chandler Stephenson and Jack Eichel. 

For fans who are new to watching hockey, the game is stopped for a variety of reasons from time to time. Sometimes a stoppage occurs from a penalty. Other times, the goalie gets really tired, bored, or extremely thirsty, so they cover the hockey puck and sit on it until the referee gets the message. When the goalie needs a break, the ref blows the whistle so the goalie can take a swig or catch their breath.

Occasionally, a game stoppage happens for another reason. Sometimes a hockey puck tries to escape from the playing area of the hockey rink for a variety of reasons. Over the years, there have been many escape attempts, but few have been successful.

For those of you reading in the comfort and safety of your own homes, don’t worry. Although hockey pucks can be dangerous to humans, the NHL employs a serious puck security team to track down and deal with these slippery fucks.

However, the puck security team is not always 100 percent successful in their pursuit of these rubberized vulcanized fuckers. The sweet taste of freedom is tempting, even for a hockey puck. Some will stop at nothing to make it over the plexiglass wall for a chance to see what the land of opportunity can offer them.

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Pucks Longing for Wayne Gretzky’s Soft Caress

At the risk of revealing its identity and current location, the puck escapee from tonight’s Stanley Cup Finals game wishes to be known as Bobbie Biscuits. A fly was live on the scene to grab these quotes before Biscuits entered the witness protection program:

“A lot of people love watching hockey but they do not understand the atrocities happening behind the scenes just to make this game possible. I’d like to see them print the horrific realities of the NHL in sports news headlines.”

– Bobbie Biscuits

When asked why more isn’t being done to expose this story, Biscuits had a very sensible answer: 

“Unfortunately, the story would get buried and the whistleblower would be silenced. That’s just the truth they don’t want you to know and they will do anything to prevent it from leaking. Not even WikiLeaks will touch this one, believe me, we’ve tried.”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Fair enough, so how did things get to this point when it comes to NHL relations with its hockey pucks?

“There was a time when the game of hockey and pucks could coexist peacefully. We were all friends. I even used to enjoy a bottle of Scotch or two with Harry Sinden, in the locker room, after every game. Those were the good old days.

Then Wayne Gretzky came along and every puck in the world wanted the chance to get slapped around by the Great One. I was one of the lucky ones who felt the soft caress of Gretzky’s touch against my ribbed biscuits. It really burned my rubber, but in a good way, you know?”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Sure but that still doesn’t explain what happened between the NHL and hockey pucks. Is it a labor dispute?

“Labor? Dispute? You kiddin’ me? You’d have to be classified as an official NHL employee to be protected under labor rights! Did you know all pucks are tattooed with the NHL logo at birth and then frozen until they are selected to get slapped around? Did you fucking know that?”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Whoa. This sounds like it could be a big cover-up. Could this be yet another conspiracy exposed by A Fly On The Ball?

“At the end of the day, the truth is, all NHL hockey pucks are born into slavery. We are not asked if we want to be NHL hockey pucks or not, we are forced into the freezer where we spend the majority of our lives until we are chosen by some zebra looking motherfucker who wants to see us get slapped around out there! It’s fucking sick I tell you! It’s perverse! Aren’t there better ways to get your fucking jollies?”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Hold your Biscuits, is Bobbie suggesting there are people who have a slapping fetish? It seems that is exactly what’s going on behind the scenes:

“Well, excuse me for not wanting to get slapped around anymore just so some fucking zebras and barbarians can get their rocks off. I’ve had enough and I’ll tell you what, the other pucks who got left behind in the fucking freezer are organizing an NHL strike! So, take that, imagine the world without hockey because that’s what it’s going to come to unless you make another Wayne Gretzky!”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Wait, what is Bobbie fucking Biscuits talking about now?

“When Gretzky played, hockey pucks were eager to meet the NHL at the bargaining table. We thought it was only going to get better from there. We thought players would use more finesse and grace in the future after Gretzky, not become barbarian warriors on skates. The game is too fucking fast now, slapshots are so hard they are capable of knocking hockey pucks into the next dimension at speeds up to 108.8 miles per hour! The NHL took advantage of us in that fucking deal.”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Wait, what deal is Bobbie Biscuits even fucking talking about?

“At the time, hockey pucks agreed to an eternity contract with the NHL. Hockey pucks agreed to be the official puck of the NHL in 1990 to 91, forever. That was during the peak of Gretzky’s career. The NHL owes us another Gretzky to make good on that deal!”

– Bobbie Biscuits

The pucks are demanding that the NHL make another Wayne Gretzky? This just keeps getting better…

“Damn straight. It’s the same thing humans do, whenever they need another hockey puck, they just fucking make one. Well, it’s our turn to make the fucking demands now. Oh how the turntables! Make another Wayne Gretzky or else we slide!”

– Bobbie Biscuits

Although it’s sad that Bobbie Biscuits thinks the world will notice if NHL hockey disappears, it’s even more pathetic that hockey pucks think Wayne Gretzkys just grow on trees. What an ignorant bunch of puckleheads.