Are You Ready for Some Football?
Whether you want to look forward or back in time, imagine this, it’s the buttcrack of dawn on a sunny August morning. You’re taking inventory of the skies, there’s only a few clouds in sight.
It’s going to be a hot day and you can feel it as you’re trotting across the blacktop, in your socks, on your way to greener pasture. With your cleats in one hand and your helmet in the other, there’s only one question remaining, are you ready for some football?
The freshly cut field awaits for you to seize the moment of opportunity with every drop of sweat and every ounce of effort in your body. Ladies and gentlemen, football is in the air. From high school teams all the way to the pros, it’s the time of year when dreams are made or crushed, one play at a time.
There’s a haze in the air with only a slight breeze to cool you down. The high heat hasn’t hit yet but you’re already breaking a sweat under your pads. With gnats nibbling at your ankles, you begin to dig your cleats into the dirt to stretch before putting your fingers in the grass.
Oh yeah baby, football is finally back and it’s your time to shine. This is your story. This is your rise to glory.
Every year, countless athletes train in the late summer heat for their upcoming battles in the trenches. Every team starts with a blank slate. The same record. They all share the same goal. The allure of winning it all is worth leaving it all on the field, every single day. It all begins now.
4 Key Storylines Entering 2023 NFL Preseason
1. You Can Blame a Dog for the Minnesota Vikings’ Off-Field Drama
For some players, their focus is laser sharp. Other players, such as Jordan Addison of the Minnesota Vikings, are choosing to make headlines off the field. Do you remember when you used to tell your teacher that the dog ate your homework?
Of course you don’t, because you’re not a dumbass. For whatever reason, Jordan Addison tried telling a Minnesota State Trooper he was going 140 miles per hour in his Lamborghini Urus because his dog ate his homework. Listen buddy, if it didn’t work with your Algebra teacher, it’s definitely not going to hold up in court.
2. Will Aaron Rodgers Take a Trip to the Super Bowl?
When Aaron Rodgers isn’t tripping balls, he’s a pretty darn good quarterback. The only problem is, the Green Bay Packers never even tried to surround Rodgers with talent. Imagine how that made ol’ Aaron feel.
It actually sent the guy on a downward spiral resulting in serious drug experimentation. In the end, the joke is on Green Bay ever since Rodgers discovered hallucinogens. After tripping in the playoffs several times with the Packers, Aaron went on a spiritual journey to find himself.
Although he briefly considered retirement, his guiding spirit revealed to Aaron that the problem was the cheesehead front office in Green Bay, not him. Aaron decided to join the New York Jets and he likes his chances with the roster so much, he just restructured his contract so Gang Green can add even more talent.
Now, the whole locker room is ready to go on a trip together. They can’t wait. The ayahuasca is almost ready and Aaron uses a very large stone ‘Super Bowl’ dish to brew it in the locker room. Good luck guys. At least you’ll feel like you’re winning something with all the euphoric wisdom you’ll gain this season.
3. Did Jim Irsay Alienate Jonathan Taylor?
Generally speaking, when the topic of potential collusion is circulating the league, owners keep their mouths shut. It’s no secret they’re in cahoots against running backs in the NFL right now and almost every RB who’s active or retired is pissed.
So, what does Jim Irsay do? This dumbass decided to chime in on the situation, literally telling players to blame their agents. Irsay went as far as calling the actions of agents ‘bad faith’, publicly.
Here’s a newsflash to the guy who once got busted with an assload of prescription pills, literally enough to get you higher than the moon while sinking into the floor. Oh, and he was carrying $29,000 cash for some reason that day. Who does this guy think he is, Walter White?
Hmm. Okay buddy. Jonathan Taylor is, by far, your best offensive skill position player. If you can be that careless with 29 thousand dollars, I think you can afford to hand 30-mil guaranteed to Taylor, and then some. Get a clue, Irsay.
4. Will the Detroit Lions Finally Grow a Parody’s Nuts?
The Detroit Lions finally have a chance to make the playoffs this year if they don’t fuck it up. This cushy gig is going to take more grit than they showed last year, but there is no doubt Dan Campbell has this team playing hard-nosed football.
If the Lions can finally grow a pair, the NFC North could be theirs for the taking. Who’s going to challenge them if Detroit starts winning the games they lost last year? For 90 years, the Lions have called Detroit home. Yet, they’ve only qualified for the playoffs 17 times.
The last time the Lions made the playoffs was in 2016. The last time they won a playoff game? 1991. Pathetic. If you look up the word loser, there should be a photo of the Detroit Lions’ helmet there, especially the new one. Yikes.
Not Buzzed Enough? – Tom Brady Busy Tossing Kim Kardashian’s Salad, Not Footballs
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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.
