Tom Brady is busy tossing salad, not footballs. That means the Tampa Bay Buccaneers have a very slim chance of getting balls deep in that end zone this year. Baker Mayfield? Are you fucking kidding me?
Listen, if you’re debating between Mayfield and Kyle Trask as your starting quarterback, you’re not getting balls deep into anything this year. Sorry Tampa, it’s going to be a while before you let ‘em hang again. At least you have two in the rafters, that’s more than the Buffalo Bills will ever have.
Not to rain on your parade, but rumor has it that not even Mayfield’s ex-wife thinks he can score anymore. If you are a Bucs fan, do you really think Baker can put a dozen in the oven each game, or do you think he doesn’t have the yeast?
From where I stand, that dough ain’t risin’ anytime soon. For starters, the offensive line was abysmal last season. Injury-plagued or not, they need to step it up to have any chance of scoring this season. Can their second-round rookie Cody Mauch plug the hole at guard? Will Tristan Wirfs stay healthy enough to hold the fort down?
With Mayfield at the helm, will it even matter? He is known to be a degenerate gambler on the field who loves throwing the football to the other team. He’s had plenty of weapons before. That doesn’t seem to be the problem. If the offensive line has Mayfield running for his life, you might see Trask sooner than later.
Luckily, the Buccaneers have some solid pieces on defense and everyone is eager to get a look at how first-round pick Calijah Kancey looks on the field. Vita Vea can get balls deep into any NFL backfield. Then, there are proven defensive stalwarts such as Lavonte David, Antoine Winfield, Jr., and Devin White.
Outside of those guys, this defense looks like a slice of Swiss cheese. Sadly, the Tampa defense is going to have to pull more than their fair share of the weight this season. Expect that to cause some locker room turmoil between the offense and defense.
Look for the Buccaneers to do just enough to hang around .500 all season long. Mayfield’s saving grace will be Mike Evans and Chris Godwin. Those dudes know how to get balls deep in any end zone they want. They just need Mayfield to bring more than the clap to the Bucs to deliver on Sundays.
According to A Fly On The Ball, be on the lookout for a yeast infection. A typical Buccaneers practice is practically a hot yoga class at this point. Something smells fishy and you know it. Just don’t inhale unless you thrive at the Seattle fish market and you’ll be okay.
Look on the bright side. As long as you understand this is a lost season, you won’t feel like stranded Buccaneers. Ahoy, matey. Baker Mayfield sucks balls. Mayfield will never know what it means to let ’em hang and you know it.
Accept it and you might actually be able to look forward to next year’s draft featuring Caleb Williams. If you fight it, you might end up with a guy like Christian Ponder. Yikes. At least his wife knows football. Her football mountains of wisdom are on par with Cynthia and the Frelunders. Everyone knows that.
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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.
