Without Kyler Murray, how could the Arizona Cardinals possibly expect to get balls deep in any end zone? It’s hard enough when your starting QB has to use Extenze just to get it in there. Keeping it up has become a problem for the Cardinals. Perhaps every team takes the identity of its fanbase, in one way or another.
Did you know the Cardinals don’t even know what it’s like to let ‘em hang? It’s true, the Cardinals have never won the Super Bowl. They’ve been to the big dance but they just didn’t have the stamina to last a full four quarters against the rock-hard Pittsburgh Steelers.
Of course, that was ages ago and these aren’t your father’s Cardinals. Everybody assumed Colt McCoy would be able to ride off into the sunset as the starter for the Cardinals to hold the fort down until Murray returns from his surgery. Then, the Cards pulled a total dick move by waiving McCoy.
Now, you have to force Joshua Dobbs to learn a brand new playbook in less than a month. He’s actually a brilliant guy but that’s a tall task for anybody. Plus, he doesn’t have a ton of NFL snaps under his belt. Most people in Arizona have a lot of experience, which is why this experiment might not be good for the old tickers in the desert.
Some Cardinals fans are already singing a different Tune. They want to see what fifth-rounder Clayton Tune can do. Here’s some words of wisdom for them, he can’t get balls deep. He’s not ready.
Luckily, the Cardinals’ front office must be competent for the first time in over a decade because there is an actual fire sale going on. For real, the Cardinals literally gifted the athletic freak Isaiah Simmons to the New York Giants for a seventh-round draft pick. Giants fans are eternally grateful, while Cowboys and Eagles fans are salty as hell over the deal.
Who else wants out of Arizona? You gotta strike while the iron’s hot. Get on the phone with your agents. Budda Baker? Don’t you want to win some games? Zach Ertz, you’re running out of time. You only have a handful of years left, buddy. You might as well go somewhere you can chase a ring.
Get things moving a bit, unfollow the Cardinals on social media and people will notice. It worked for Murray, he was able to get a record-breaking contract by using this proven strategy. Why not use it to force your way out of the barren desert?
In reality, the Cardinals know it’s tank time which is why they are willing to throw Dobbs to the wolves rather than the real McCoy. The real question is, who do the Cardinals have their eyes on in next year’s draft?
Is Murray doing his assigned homework by picking up the playbook, or is he too busy playing Madden 24? He probably added a few inches of height to Kyler Murray and made him a 99 overall in his franchise. Perhaps that’s the only way Murray will ever lead the Cardinals to the Super Bowl, in Madden.
Unfortunately, video game football is not how it plays out in the NFL, which means the Cardinals might have their eyes on Caleb Williams. Maybe Murray can still go play baseball for the soon-to-be Las Vegas Athletics. At least they don’t have playbooks or homework.
On the other hand, if Murray is doing his homework, perhaps the Cardinals can draft Marvin Harrison, Jr. to give Kyler a real weapon. Marvin’s dad was a real killer out there, perhaps Junior can follow in his footsteps. Only time will tell.
For now, there is no way the Cardinals are getting balls deep in anything this season. Enjoy your new tank, it could be fun once you learn how to use it. Hopefully you don’t ruffle your own feathers along the way.
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