George Costanza Set To Prove He Is Penske Material Once and for All

In an effort to head into retirement on a high note, former New York Yankees assistant to the traveling secretary, George Costanza, is currently flying en route to Los Angeles. Costanza feels he has one more dream job left in him before calling it a career and the Los Angeles Chargers want to hear his plans for turning the franchise around.

It’s no secret Costanza has always been curious about what the West Coast has to offer. At times, George thinks he wants to get away from the bustle of the Big Apple to see if he could ever fit in with the cool kids out west. A lot of people don’t realize this, but George Costanza is actually a bit of a bad boy:

Historically speaking, the Chargers have struggled to survive in the NFL. They can’t even decide where they want to call home, this has been an ongoing problem for decades. The truth is, just like a functional family, a successful franchise needs strong roots along with a solid foundation to nurture itself into relevancy. 

All the Chargers can do now is play second fiddle to the team that actually has hoisted the Lombardi Trophy in the City of Angels, the Los Angeles Rams. Yet, that hasn’t stopped the Chargers from making an attempt to look like a functional NFL franchise. Much like George Costanza, the Bolts know how to talk the talk, but they are eventually exposed when it’s time to walk the walk.

Heading into the 2023 NFL season, Chargers fans had high hopes riding on the golden arm of Justin Herbert under skipper Brandon Staley. Unfortunately, Staley decided to flush his career down the toilet, thus forcing the Chargers to fire Brandon and General Manager Tom Telesco on December 15, 2023. Considering Staley’s defense gave up 63 points to a Las Vegas Raiders team that managed to get shut out the week before, the writing was on the wall. 

That’s why the Los Angeles Chargers are looking to bring George Costanza into the organization. It’s no secret the Costanza-era Yankees are some of the most beloved teams in franchise history. Meanwhile, the Chargers have needed fans since foolishly relocating two hours north on I-5 from San Diego to Los Angeles. In theory, this is a match made in heaven.

Interestingly enough, George Costanza does not list anyone from the Yankees organization on his very short list of references. The only three references provided by Costanza were comedian Jerry Seinfeld, fashion editor Elaine Benes, and Kramerica CEO Cosmo Kramer. A Fly On The Ball combed through the Seinfeld archives to find some very revealing quotes regarding Costanza’s credibility:

“Man, you’re blowing it, the guy’s a pigeon.”

– Cosmo Kramer

“If George gets hired, tell him not to bring Pepsi to the dinner party… because we’re adults. The Hamptons? George Costanza? I, uh… I don’t think so. Have a good one!”

– Elaine Benes when asked about rumors of Costanza’s upcoming dinner party in the Hamptons

“How could anyone be smarter than George Costanza?”

– Jerry Seinfeld

Eyewitnesses at LAX are reporting that Costanza has already landed in Los Angeles wearing a Justin Herbert jersey. He’s been telling everyone that his confidence is through the roof, declaring, “The interview is just a formality!” However, George Costanza appears visibly disheveled and extremely nervous, as you can clearly see from his profuse perspiration as he prepares to exit the Chargers’ private jet:

It’s no secret that Costanza has also been gushing about Justin Herbert like a schoolboy. In fact, George thinks Herbert is “just so cool, I think he might actually be cooler than Tony!” Costanza wants this cush job more than any other diabolical plan he’s ever schemed up before.

Publicly, Costanza is saying all the right things. Word on the street is that George Costanza actually has Dean Spanos convinced that he’d do anything, anything to help the Los Angeles Chargers win a Super Bowl. He has even told Spanos he’d suit up and play quarterback for the rest of this season, while Justin Herbert is sidelined, just to help the Chargers start turning things around.

Privately, many suspect Costanza just wants the gig to have a hip new buddy he can use to go out on the town with in an effort to meet women. George insists he is committed to only one thing, reaching the promised land with Herbert leading the charge. When pressed about the issue of whether Costanza wants to help the Chargers win a Super Bowl or just pick up ladies with Herbert, his response was simple and succinct:

A Fly On The Ball reached out to George Costanza for comment but our call was forwarded to this voicemail greeting:

As you can imagine, Costanza is a very busy man these days. Nearby paparazzi just shared this photo of George Costanza preparing to hit the L.A. nightclub scene with Justin Herbert, as his new wingman:

Good luck, Costanza! You’re gonna need a Festivus Miracle to pull this one off. Fortunately for George, Festivus is right around the corner. With the Airing of Grievances, Costanza will have plenty to share this year. Happy Festivus!

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Buzz McFly

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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.

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