John Madden’s Turducken Special
Imagine this, you work hard your entire life, amassing millions of dollars throughout your career, only to retire with nothing more than a spacious little farm in Mississippi. Now you have more land and time than you know what to do with.
In the end, retirement isn’t always the peaceful fairytale ending everyone hopes for. Just ask Brett Favre, who has had more than just a little trouble finding ways to make ends meet since retiring. That’s why you’ll see Brett Favre starring as The Mustard Man to pay debts back.
For a while there, people were not even entirely convinced Favre actually retired from football, the game that gave him everything in life. Many people still think Favre could return to his old gunslinger ways any day now, there’s no doubt he still has that old cannon locked and loaded.
Imagine Brett Favre slinging it at Lambeau again now that Aaron Rodgers is out of the picture for good. Just the thought of it makes John Madden perk up a bit from the Great Beyond, he’s grilling some bratwursts and slow-roasting a turducken outside his bus just to get ready for the big game. Rumor has it, if Favre ever decides to play again, you might be able to hear Madden calling the game through a spirit box.
Think about it, everyone always loves hooking up with their old flame. There’s no doubt the thought of tossing pigskin balls around again has Favre fully torqued.
Even Jen Sterger thinks the Silver Fox should lace them up again for one last hurrah. She has made it clear that she still hasn’t met the man who sent her intimate photos of his tripod. It’s time to change that and getting back on the field could be a breath of fresh air for Favre.
Yet, instead of playing football to put food on his family’s table, Favre decided to try a different method of making money, stealing pennies from the “give a penny, take a penny” tray. Eyewitnesses everywhere wish to remain anonymous, for obvious reasons:
Unfortunately for Mr. Favre and the welfare State of Mississippi, the new career path Brett chose is illegal. People all over the world were shocked that such a model citizen could be capable of such a heinous act. As a result of his inappropriate actions, Favre has fallen out of favor with everybody in the entire world.
How could a once-beloved man of the people commit such a cardinal sin? Shame on you, Brett Favre. Shame on you! If you needed money, you should have just called the Green Bay Packers who desperately need a quarterback right now.
In fact, it’s not too late. Word on the street is Favre owes money to some people you don’t want to mess with. Facts are facts, you don’t have to be a genius to understand why Favre decided to become a criminal. Brett Favre is balls deep in debt and he’s sweatin’ it out in Mississippi more and more with each passing day.
So far, Favre has not reached out to the Packers to inquire about the current job opening at quarterback. There’s speculation he’s waiting for Matt LaFleur, David Bakhtiari, and Kenny Clark to show up on a private jet to pick him up. He said if Brad Childress can do it just to get him to wear purple, so can LaFleur.
Do you know how cousin Eddie is holding out for a career in upper management? Yeah. This is a lot like that. Favre needs to get off his high horse and just pick up a damn football again. His career as a criminal needs to end so he can get back in the good graces of football fans everywhere.
However, Favre is once again choosing to do things his own way. Now that the Hollywood writer’s strike is over, a certain script has slipped under Favre’s door to gauge his interest. Sources say Brett Favre has officially signed on as the leading role in the upcoming blockbuster hit, The Mustard Man.
The film’s plot revolves around a once-great gunslinger who was famous for putting extra mustard on his balls before unleashing fury all over the frozen tundra of the Great North. He was a man with no name, known simply as The Mustard Man.
Destruction, tears, and glory followed The Mustard Man everywhere he went. No matter how wounded he was in each battle, Mustard Man always found a way to emerge victorious. Even when he was run out of town, other communities welcomed his arrival with open arms.
Bodies piled up everywhere but eventually revenge found its way into the outlaw’s home. In an attempt to woo a mistress, Mustard Man exposed himself to a saloon dancer. A little birdie told The Mustard Man’s wife about the incident and something changed. Something snapped in Mustard Man from this day forward.
This is when the downward spiral begins as he finds himself behind enemy lines in a strange purple world. Some say this was just a Vicodin-induced hallucination but his Bountygate experiences were all too real to ignore. He proceeds to go on a reckless rampage for two years in the purple land before riding off into the sunset with a purple ankle to match.
The story doesn’t end there though. Riding off into the sunset only triggers a series of events for The Mustard Man that eventually lands him knee-deep in debt and in the crosshairs of the law. To evade his past and debts, he has to return to his roots in the Deep South where he falls in with the wrong crowd, yet again.
His woes continue until The Mustard Man is eventually fully pegged by a bear who just so happens to be from Chicago. Call it a revenge game, if you must. Fun fact, the director actually told the bear that Favre was Carson Wentz as extra motivation for the scene. Needless to say, it worked:
Listen, this movie is going to win Oscars for being so trashy. It’s also a real tearjerker. You’re going to love it but we don’t want to spoil the ending. John Madden’s Turducken Special, The Mustard Man, is coming soon to a theater near you.
The real story here isn’t the upcoming movie of the year but rather Favre’s insistence to try anything but playing football to bank that cheese. It’s sad though, he could literally get a lifetime supply of cheese that smells and tastes like ass in Green Bay.
Who knows? Perhaps Favre doesn’t even like ass. Even worse, what if Favre doesn’t even like football anymore? It’s pretty clear his heart is longing for something else in his old age: more mustard.
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Buzz McFly hears all the latest buzz through his impressive network consisting of millions of flies swarming near every pile of shit in the entire world. When shit goes down, Buzz has eyes on the scene waiting to bask in the latest filth and dirt. Growing up an avid sports fan, his credibility in the field is second to none. He comes from a long line of spectator sporting event reporters willing to lay it all on the line for a fresh scoop of the latest news before it breaks wind anywhere else.
