Harvey Ballbanger

Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.

Deshaun Watson Diagnosed With Tennis Elbow From Chronic Masturbation

Harvey Ballbanger
Deshaun Watson

The Cleveland Browns have a big problem on their hands, and we’re not talking about the fear their massage therapist has to deal with at work. Two years ago, the little brown elves traded three first-round picks, two thirds, and a fourth-round selection for Deshaun Watson. It ended up being arguably the worst trade in NFL history. 

Watson was supposed to be a savior for a franchise that couldn’t tell the difference between a quarterback and a leprechaun on mushrooms. The Browns even made history by drafting the oldest player ever in the first round of the NFL Draft, a 28-year-old baseball player. 

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Chicago Bears Privately Admitting Caleb Williams Is A Bust

Harvey Ballbanger
Caleb Williams, Caleb Williams Is A Bust

Caleb Williams Is A Bust, And The Chicago Bears Know It

So, you think Caleb Williams is a generational talent, do ya? You couldn’t be more wrong. 

There’s a new cub in town, and it goes by Caleb Williams. Unlike the bear John Candy wrestled with in The Great Outdoors, this furry creature isn’t very grand. But don’t tell that to the Chicago Bears. 

For reasons no one can understand, the Bears are acting as if they’ve already won the Super Bowl. Many of them, actually. 

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Are The Kansas City Chiefs Becoming America’s Team?

Harvey Ballbanger
Kansas City Chiefs

Sorry, Dallas Cowboys, it’s time to admit the Kansas City Chiefs have become America’s Team.

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Kirk Cousins Rap Album Leaks Vikings Diss Tracks

Harvey Ballbanger
Kirk Cousins

Did you really think Kirk Cousins wanted to leave the Minnesota Vikings for the Atlanta Falcons solely for football reasons? You’d be out of your mind to believe Kirko Chainz willingly passed up on the opportunity to keep playing with Justin Jefferson just because of the dollar bills, y’all. 

That’s not what happened at all. 

See, what the bigwigs like Adam Schefter, Ian Rapoport, and Dianna Russini will never tell you is that Cousins had ulterior motives. 

Quick, name one rapper who hails from Minneapolis. Exactly, you’re not worthy. But naming one who found success in Atlanta is easy. Whether you pick OutKast, Ludacris, or T.I., there are several rap legends from the ‘A.’ 

Now, Kirk Cousins is taking his rap career to the next level, hoping to become the latest, greatest rapper to ever emerge out of the Dirty South. Despite his appearances, Cousins isn’t just some geek off the streets. He’s handy with the steel if you know what I mean. He’s earned his keep, but now he’s bringing his hot bars to Atlanta, and he’s got his target aimed squarely at his old squeeze, the Minnesota Vikings. 

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Douchebag Company Makes Sean Payton New Face of Franchise

Harvey Ballbanger
Sean Payton

Denver Broncos news and rumors don’t point to a Sean Payton firing, but that shouldn’t taint anyone’s offseason. Like a good yeast infection, the Broncos are learning Coach Payton is hard to get rid of. 

Two years ago, the Broncos made Russell Wilson their franchise quarterback. Denver had plans of reaching the Super Bowl, but they felt they didn’t have the right coach for the job. Then, a guy who won a Lombardi fell into Denver’s lap, and the Broncos couldn’t resist the urge to splurge.

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Bill Polian Was Right About Lamar Jackson + How To Make the Baltimore Ravens the NFL’s Best

Harvey Ballbanger
Lamar Jackson, Bill Polian, Baltimore Ravens

Lamar Jackson is an MVP, but one of the biggest issues plaguing the Baltimore Ravens during the superstar’s NFL career is a lack of elite receivers. Sure, Justin Tucker scores more points than anyone. But aside from Mark Andrews and Zay Flowers, Jackson doesn’t really have anyone to throw to.

The solution is obvious and Hall of Fame scout, GM, and Super Bowl champion Bill Polian nailed it years ago when discussing Jackson’s NFL Draft prospects. Here was Polian’s wise advice. 

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Los Angeles Angels Quietly Eliminated from 2024 Playoffs After Shohei Ohtani Signs with Dodgers

Harvey Ballbanger
Shohei Ohtani

Shohei Ohtani is growing up so fast. The latest sign of the Japanese superstar’s maturity includes leaving his childhood friends behind and finding a family capable of putting a ring on his finger. 

After playing six seasons on a minor-league team, Ohtani’s set to make his Major League debut with the Los Angeles Dodgers. It shouldn’t be long before the Shotime Dodgers take over MLB, much like Magic Johnson’s infectious Showtime Lakers did with the NBA.

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Sean Payton Credits New Team Bong as Key to Denver Broncos’ Success

Harvey Ballbanger
Sean Payton, Denver Broncos

Before Sean Payton could turn the tides around for the Denver Broncos, he needed to become one with the culture Colorado natives have embraced. This was Nathaniel Hackett’s biggest oversight during his brief stint in the Centennial State. 

But not Payton. He’d make sure the vibes were different at Mile High this year. 

Payton began laying the groundwork in the offseason. Before he even blew his first whistle in the thin, haze-filled Colorado air, Payton learned how to breathe. Or, to translate for those outside of the 420 area code, Payton learned how to inhale. 

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Extraterrestrial Named Wembanyama Invades NBA’s San Antonio Spurs

Harvey Ballbanger
Wembanyama, Extraterrestrial

If you’ve watched the NBA this season, chances are you’ve caught a glimpse of the extraterrestrial they’ve been calling “Victor Wembanyama.” It has taken over control of the San Antonio Spurs, where shape-shifting cohort Adam Silver has assigned legendary basketball mind Gregg Popovich to teach the Wembanyama how to basketball. Just look at the excitement here after demanding a jersey with all ten letters printed on the back. 

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David Tepper Holds Pep Talk With Himself After Frank Reich Firing: ‘You’re Next!’

Harvey Ballbanger
David Tepper

Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper isn’t exactly known for having patience. He may be a billionaire, but Tepper’s not capable of looking in the mirror and realizing where the real problem lies. 

In addition to owning the Panthers, Tepper also owns Charlotte FC, a professional soccer team that’s actually been to the playoffs. Since they’ve only played two seasons, this is a notable feat. Especially considering the Panthers have missed the playoffs all six seasons since Tepper got involved. 

Since Tepper’s ownership, the Panthers have played six seasons, and Charlotte has played two. In that time, Tepper has fired a total of five coaches. 

At what point does he realize where the real problem lies?

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