5 New Features Coming to Madden NFL 24

Harvey Ballbanger
Madden NFL 24

Every fucking year, EA Sports hypes up the new version of the only football game with NFL licensing, giving access to actual players and actual teams instead of a fictional creation that no one would reasonably believe is real, like a player named Christian Kuntz or a team that has no purpose, like the Houston Texans. 

By now, you’ve probably put your brain cell to work, realizing we’re talking about Madden NFL 24, set to release on August 18, 2023. This year, the folks at A Fly On The Ball decided to pick up the slack from the EA Sports team, hyping up the Madden series for them since they’re no longer the most popular video game in the United States. 

Since EA Sports can’t seem to get their heads out of their collective asses, we put together a quick article highlighting five unique features coming to Madden NFL 24 this August. We think gamers will be thrilled to get their pricks on the sticks later this season once they finally figure out what’s in store. Let us know if you agree in the comments below. 

Flag Football Mode

As award-winning esteemed reporter Buzz McFly recently highlighted, flag football is coming to the NFL. It’s inevitable. Madden NFL 24 gets the party started early by bringing a flag football mode to their showcase. Just like the NFL, tackling has been removed from the game completely.

Imagine finally being able to play a simulation football game where there isn’t a single big hit or tackle that makes you go, “OOOOOOHHHHHHHH!!!” Wouldn’t that be special? The advanced minds at EA Sports think so too.

Finally, gamers won’t have to worry about injuring their hated rivals by kindly and very gently tapping the ‘X’ button to attempt to pull the flag off the ball carrier. What a thrill. 

Imagine the pure exhilaration when you’re dashing by an opponent, and they don’t get your flag. Wow. What a deal. This is the peak right here. But believe it or not, there are other features gamers may be looking forward to even more than the industry-changing flag football mode this year. 

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Be A Fan Mode

Haven’t you ever wanted to just be a fan? Imagine being able to go through a full 18-week season, sitting in the stands for all four quarters, including halftime of every single game, plus doing whatever the fuck you want during the bye. There are no fast-forwards, simulation tools, or quick-play buttons here, just like real life. Wow, they’ve really thought of everything!

Pay for your seats using real money, and see if you can work your way up to sitting on the sidelines like a champion or get used to sitting in the cheap seats like a total fucking loser. The choice is yours in Madden NFL 24.

You won’t quite have to deal with annoying vendors offering you complementary hot dogs or watered-down beverages to quench your thirst after you’ve been putting in work, soaking up the sun, or freezing your titsicles off. Instead, mealtime is your responsibility that you deal with at your own discretion, but remember; you can’t pause this game mode. 

The idea is to cheer on your favorite team, trying to jack off the decibel level in-stadium while aiming to break your own personal bests. Who can be the loudest? That’s for the fans to decide! Yell your heart out. Your neighbors will surely understand that you’re just living your best life, playing Madden NFL 24, trying to earn the ‘Loudmouth Achievement.’ 

Just make sure you’re cheering your loudest at all times. You don’t want to be the sole reason your team misses the playoffs after Week 18, just because someone was being a pansy instead of giving it their all. Gamers can even party up and cheer with their friends in group gangbang sessions that will leave zero questions unanswered amongst your peers.

Superstar Mode Tweaks – Isaiah Rodgers Simulation Experience

It’s recently come to our attention that the life we have been living in the game of Madden in Superstar Mode is nowhere near close to reality. NFL players have been going behind our backs for years, apparently with the ability to place sports bets whenever they like, wherever they please. Meanwhile, I’ve spent countless hours in Madden, trying to unlock every achievement and trophy possible, and I still can’t get the betting feature unlocked. 

But since sports gambling has become a major part of the average NFL player’s day-to-day life, we fully anticipate the feature becoming easier to find in Madden NFL 24. 

In fact, we should be seeing several tweaks to the Superstar Mode, including the full ‘Isaiah Rodgers Simulation Experience’ allowing gamers to bet on the outcomes of their own matchups, from before kickoff, to halftime and even late during clutch situational moments during the fourth quarter with the game on the line. It’s the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer, folks. 

If there’s one thing players like Calvin Ridley, Jameson Williams, and Isaiah Rodgers have taught us, it’s that betting on your own sports events can be a lot of fun and hold very few risks. Seriously, why wouldn’t you place your bets?

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Experience the Night Life of a Real NFL Pro

As EA Sports says, “It’s in the game.” Well, Madden NFL 24 takes that to a whole new level by actually putting you in the game. 

You know the stories. Whether it’s Aaron Rodgers’ ayahuasca trip, Brett Favre’s dick pics, Fred Smoot’s Love Boat, or Henry Ruggs’ raceway, NFL players live unique lifestyles. But Madden gamers don’t get to live life by their means. 

That all changes in Madden NFL 24. Now players can enter a Grand Theft Auto or The Sims-like world, allowing them to live life after the whistle. The rest is up to you. If you want to live like Philip Rivers and have nine kids, you go right ahead, buddy. Just know you can restart your career at any time, with no unwanted baggage or jail time left behind.

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Match Up With Actual NFL Players Online

Have you ever wanted to talk shit to actual NFL players? Now you can, thanks to the incredibly immersive gameplay brought to you by Madden NFL 24. 

Hate the way your quarterback read the field on Sunday? Let him hear about it on Monday when you’re cheesin’ your way down the field using gimmick plays that would never work in real life. Run backward for 20 yards and uncork a 60-yard pass deep down the opposite end of the field? You got it. Actual NFL players will be SO impressed by your abilities, little guy. 

All those hours following douchebags playing video games on the internet instead of actually playing them for yourself will finally pay off on the sticks instead of just in your bedroom with your boyfriend.

As an added bonus, EA Sports wanted to hear from their Madden gamers, insisting this time they’re “listening to the community.” So they also added the ability to file complaints about real, structural Madden developer issues that will never ever get read or actually addressed in-game.

In other words, although massive changes are coming to this year’s iteration, Madden players will feel right at home playing the same broken game as the previous version. Pre-Order Madden NFL 24 here.

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Harvey Ballbanger
Harvey Ballbanger
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Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.

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