3 Reasons Why the Cleveland Browns Will Never Win the Super Bowl

Harvey Ballbanger
Cleveland Browns

All 32 NFL franchises have existed since at least 2002. Some teams go back much further, like the Cleveland Browns, who were founded in 1946. Yet, despite the first Super Bowl taking place back in 1967, 12 teams have still never won a Lombardi Trophy, and the Browns are one of them. 

But now there’s hope that Deshaun Watson, Nick Chubb, Amari Cooper, and Myles Garrett can clinch not only an AFC North division victory but also a trip to the Super Bowl. If so, it would be Cleveland’s first-ever Super Bowl appearance. However, we’re not so high on the Browns’ chances. In fact, we’re going so far as to say the Browns will never win a Super Bowl in franchise history. Here’s why.

Refusal to Commit to Their Football Team

The Browns don’t have a logo. They have a blank helmet, but some have desperately tried to imprint the Dawg Pound bulldog as one option. Others prefer Brownie the Elf. 

Another identifying factor the organization can’t really decide on is their color. Are we brown, or are we orange? Because you can’t be both. They’re the Cleveland Oranges? No. The Browns. None of this makes any sense. 

Then, there’s the growing conspiracy about the logo actually being a big bunny rabbit pushing a shopping cart. 

Are they the Cleveland Bunnies? Cleveland Rabbits? At least the Bengals know what the fuck they’re doing. 

What is it with the Browns? How about coming up with a team name, committing to a color scheme that makes sense, and, I don’t know, maybe try designing a logo? Does that sound like too much to ask for a franchise that’s existed since 1946?

Searching for a funny Cleveland Browns fantasy football team name?

Cleveland Browns Can’t Find a QB to Save Their Lives

Here’s the list of Browns starting quarterbacks since the start of the Super Bowl era. I’ll stop as soon as we reach a winner: 

  • Frank Ryan
  • Gary Lane
  • Bill Nelsen
  • Mike Phipps
  • Don Gault
  • Brian Sipe
  • Will Cureton
  • Dave Mays
  • Terry Luck
  • Paul McDonald
  • Gary Danielson
  • Bernie Kosar (almost decent)
  • Jeff Christensen
  • Mike Pagel
  • Don Strock
  • Mike Tomczak
  • Todd Philcox
  • Vinny Testaverde
  • Mark Rypien
  • Eric Zeier
  • Tim Couch (ouch)
  • Ty Detmer
  • Doug Pederson
  • Spergon Wynn
  • Kelly Holcomb
  • Jeff Garcia
  • Luke McCown
  • Trent Dilfer (Super Bowl winner with Browns 2.0)
  • Charlie Frye
  • Derek Anderson (couldn’t make the playoffs)
  • Brady Quinn (big miss)
  • Ken Dorsey
  • Bruce Gradkowski
  • Colt McCoy
  • Jake Delhomme
  • Seneca Wallace
  • Brandon Weeden (was this pick a joke?)
  • Thad Lewis
  • Jason Campbell
  • Brian Hoyer
  • Johnny Manziel (this one stings)
  • Connor Shaw
  • Josh McCown
  • Austin Davis
  • Cody Kessler
  • Robert Griffin III
  • DeShone Kizer
  • Kevin Hogan
  • Baker Mayfield (that sucks)
  • Tyrod Taylor
  • Case Keenum
  • Nick Mullens
  • Jacoby Brissett
  • Deshaun Watson (biggest mistake in franchise history)

Maybe someday we’ll be able to stop adding to this list, but we doubt it. 

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If Joe Thomas Gave Up on the Browns, You Should Too

Joe Thomas played 10,363 snaps in a row and said no thanks. I’ve had enough. Canton just invited him to the Hall of Fame after what he had to endure in Cleveland, allowing the ten-time Pro Bowl tackle to join his first NFL team. 

What a career for Thomas. He started all 167 games he played, blocking for 20 different starting quarterbacks, more than any other player in NFL history. But when it came to the playoffs, he once again said, ‘No thanks, my contract only obligates me to show up for the regular season.’ But that’s just what the Browns franchise preferred from 2003 to 2019, tanking until they had enough assets to trade for Deshaun Watson. 

You really think this is a franchise built to win a Super Bowl? Don’t hold your breath.

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Harvey Ballbanger
Harvey Ballbanger

Harvey Ballbanger loves to shoot the shit. If he were bigger, he’d probably be a baller. Hell, if he hadn’t gotten a wing clipped, he’d be Ballbangin’ for the NFL right now, messing around with triple-doubles in his downtime in the NBA. But that isn’t the case. Instead, Ballbanger’s letting it all hang out, delivering fresh piles, from one throne to another.

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