Things have been changing in Phoenix, Arizona lately. Just when you thought all things had grown quiet regarding the Chris Paul situation, the Phoenix Suns decided to drop a parody’s nuts in real life by trading CP3 for Bradley Beal.

There is no debate that awe-inspiring offensive basketball is one of the primary reasons why the game is so exciting. Shit, fans of the Showtime Lakers are in their goddamn nineties now, but they can probably still get it up when they watch the modern evolution of the game.

There’s only one problem, putting on an offensive show without playing a lick of defense only wins fans, not championships. If you could win championships based on ticket sales alone, every team would stop playing defense entirely. Every NBA game would look like a god-awful All-Star Game, night in and night out.

Fortunately, for the sake of all sports, it’s still beneficial to play great defense in the NBA. If you make enough of a collective team effort on defense, you can even become champions.

For example, the 2023 NBA Finals champion Denver Nuggets were one of the worst defensive teams in the Association to begin the 2022-23 campaign. By the time the playoffs came around, the Nuggets whipped themselves into a championship-caliber defensive team.

If winning a Larry O’Brien is at the top of the list as a franchise, you must put some kind of priority on playing defense. If you can get the entire team to buy in, you might even build a fucking winner.

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The Phoenix Suns have proven they intend on selling tickets, not winning championships, by trading Chris Paul for Bradley Beal. Here are the details of the trade that sent Chris Paul to the Washington Wizards (Paul has since been traded to the Golden State Warriors) in exchange for Bradley Beal:

Suns Receive:

• Bradley Beal
• Jordan Goodwin
• Isaiah Todd

Wizards Receive:

• Chris Paul
• Landry Shamet
• Six second-round picks (2024, 2025, 2026, 2027, 2028, and 2030)
• Four pick swaps (2024, 2026, 2028, and 2030)
• A couple of whiskey glasses to drown their sorrows

Now, there is a lot of hope coming out of Phoenix regarding the upcoming NBA season. It’s a good thing most of the residents in Phoenix likely won’t remember or be around to witness the upcoming season (due to natural causes). 

There is no fucking way this works out. Here are three reasons why the Phoenix Suns are destined to fail with the Bradley Beal, Kevin Durant, and Devin Booker experiment:

1. This is the obvious answer to anyone who isn’t named Mat Ishbia. There are major defensive concerns on the roster. Deandre Ayton can’t plug every hole on defense created by players such as KD, Booker, and Beal. Beal is literally a turnstile on defense. He’s a very blessed offensive player who just can’t cut it as a defender. 

If Beal’s defensive lack of effort and contributions don’t mesh with the Suns’ defensive scheme, it will create Swiss-cheese-sized holes in their overall team defense. Opposing teams will absolutely exploit this weakness, especially elite coaches such as Erik Spoelstra, Phil Jackson, or Red Auerbach.

Basically, if you can outscore the Suns and stop them for a handful of possessions per game, you will be able to beat them. Consistently. Everyone knows this except for Mat Ishbia, which leads me to the next point, the owner doesn’t really give a flying fuck.

2. There are certain financial constraints that come with acquiring Bradley Beal. It’s kind of like dating a Kardashian not named Kim. Kim can easily maintain and support her own extravagant lifestyle. The others, not so much. 

Having Bradley Beal on your team instead of a shooting guard such as Michael Jordan is like dating a Khloe or, shit, what’s the other one. See? Nobody knows or gives a shit. They only care about Kim because she’s got the goods. 

Kim’s got rings, so does MJ. If Ishbia was really serious about winning, he’d hand a blank check to the greatest basketball player on the planet, Michael Jordan. If it worked for the Tune Squad, it definitely could work for the Phoenix Suns.

Unfortunately, now the Suns have to use some “creative accounting” to be able to afford Beal’s salary. It’s kind of like all of you assholes who lie to women about your income to impress them enough to fuck you or even worse, get hitched. 

Then, one day, 20 years later, you wake up in a sexless marriage with a barefoot wife who hates you. That’s what the Phoenix Suns are doing with Bradley Beal. They’re promising the world to him while secretly hiding the fact that they can’t afford him, and they know it.

The truth is, their hands are now tied as a franchise. Divorce is an expensive option at this point, so the Phoenix Suns and Bradley Beal have already agreed on a sexless marriage. It’s all in the prenup, as reported by Harvey Ballbanger.

Beal’s salary is massive. So is Durant’s. Booker? Supermax. Good fucking luck building any kind of roster or depth around this unit. Good thing the NBA blatantly looks the other way when talented veterans sign minimum deals with championship contenders. Put something to fix that problem in the CBA, Adam “Alien” Silver.

3. Kevin Durant prefers playing Warzone on Xbox, Bradley Beal plays NBA 2K. Obviously, this brings into question the fit and chemistry of the two players right out of the gate. One of the key factors to having success as a team is always the chemistry that develops between the players. 

There is no doubt these two players will not even know each other off the court. This will lead to on-court struggles which will disrupt existing team dynamics. Final verdict? The Washington Commanders hit the game-winning free throw to win the Wimbledon. Give me the Bruins in 3, next question.

In the end, there will be no championship rings setting in the Phoenix horizon any time soon. You can’t win a championship if you don’t play defense, and you can’t build depth in the NBA when you are cap-strapped. Finally, if your players can’t even agree which next-gen console and game to play, well, you’ve got problems that even arrogant billionaires can’t fix.

Not Buzzed Enough Yet? – Nikola Jokić Retires From NBA To Become Horse Jockey

Do you actually believe this shit? What’s wrong with you? This article is 100% satire, and nothing you have fucking read on this page should be taken seriously.

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